B: What? Why don't you want kids?
A: Cuz man... kids will siphon the life out of you. They're little parasites. It's funny, you know, in Nicaragua while I was running our pharmacy, I put the condoms with the anti-parasite medicines.
B: [laugh]
A: No, seriously. I look at my parents, and I'm like, "Man, you guys really fucked up when you had me and my sisters." Like that part in Knocked Up when Seth Rogen is talking to his dad? "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." "Now I just feel bad for you." Yeah, just like that. If I could go back and warn my parents, I'd be like, "Whoa! Hold on there and think about what you're about to do."
B: It's not like that at all. Being a father is awesome. I mean my son is an asshole right now, but when he's not being a butt screaming for what he wants, it's a lot of fun.
A: So I've heard. You say that and C said that he's enjoying fatherhood, too.
B: It's true. You'll see, if you ever become a father or get married, you'll change your mind.
A: Fat chance of that happening.
B: Of you getting married?
A: Ass. I meant becoming a father.
B: Well what if your future wife wants kids?
A: That's why we're gonna talk before I commit and make sure this shit doesn't go down.
B: Okay, well what about if one of your snipers gets passed the barrier?
A: Hm... Hopefully, she's pro-choice!
B: [laugh] And if she's not?
A: Well, I guess I'm fucked there, aren't I? And so help me God if my kids turn out anything like me, cuz I'm not gonna lie: I was an asshole kid.
B: I know. I was there. Seriously, being a dad is awesome. Think of it this way: each kid is a little lottery ticket. One of them could make it big and you'll just live off them in your old age.
A: [laugh]
B: Plus I look forward to the day when I'll no longer have to do dishes or wash my car or else someone's going to get beat.
A: [laugh] What are you running a fucking sweat shop or something? "Yeah, my son's an asshole, but he's a good day laborer."
B: [laugh]
